anxiety - a heart issue

As many of you know, I am in seminary getting my masters in Biblical Counseling. The Lord has been so so kind to affirm my being here over and over. I am loving every little thing I am learning.

What has been challenging, though, is balancing the workload with a husband, a nanny job, and something as simple as rest or exercise. The Lord has wired me to be pretty efficient with my time, so I am incredibly grateful for that. But my circumstances became the setting that allowed what was in my heart to be revealed.... anxiety.

One of my friends told me early in the semester that a pastor had said something once that stuck with him:  "Anxiety is practical atheism." My initial reaction was, "WOW! That is so extreme, so intense. No way is that me. I would never fall into that category."

As the semester went on, the workload increased. The thought of a couple of 12-15 page papers freaked me out. I struggled to find time to actually work on all of my assignments. I forced myself to stay up past my bedtime [for those of you who know me well know how shocking this is!]. I grew more and more anxious. My thoughts never stopped. I would cling to scripture, reciting it all day long, and battle the anxiety constantly with prayer. I would voice this anxiety to others. I found the most common responses to be:  "You just gotta do it." or "It'll get done. It will all work out." These answers only served to frustrate me and make me more anxious, and I couldn't really figure out why.

After about two weeks filled with anxiety, restlessness, exhaustion, thoughts that wouldn't stop, tears that kept coming, the Lord gently led me into a place of brokenness in His Word. I finally took a deeper look into the roots of my anxiety instead of just asking Him to fix the symptoms - i.e., "help me find time, fix my thoughts on you, give me energy and focus, keep me from believing lies." I wanted to know why it wasn't going away. As I did this in the Lord's presence, the ugliness of my sin began to overwhelm me and make me feel sick. I confessed to struggling with fundamental atheism. Honestly, my flesh wants to give a disclaimer here so that you don't freak out, but the Spirit is keeping me from doing so. We must stop making our sin pretty and acceptable and not so bad. The fact is that when I grow anxious, I am believing either that God does not exist or if He does exist, that He is not good, not in control, not knowing and doing what's best for me, not enough.

This is why those responses frustrated me. They weren't enough. The responses didn't penetrate my heart. They [the responses] didn't seek to know me - know why I was so anxious. They didn't calm my distressed thoughts or restlessness. They only served to fix the situation...not my heart. 

It was in that moment of complete brokenness, complete acknowledgement of the offensiveness of my anxiety toward God, complete vulnerability that God used His Word [Psalm 100] to speak to me:

"Know ye that the LORD He is God: it is He that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture." 

I functionally wanted to be god of my life. I wanted to depend on myself to be able to get my work done, get A's, be a great wife, a great nanny and a great friend. I wanted to control my life. My Lord reminded me that HE is God. He paid for my sin, so I must not belittle His crucifixion by refusing to call my anxiety what it is: sin. I am His. I am a sheep! A helpless, needy, dependent, slow, ignorant sheep. This life is not about me. It is about the Shepherd. The good Shepherd. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me besides still waters. 

He restores my soul. 

And He has. Seriously, a miracle has happened in my heart. He has healed me. I truly have not struggled with anxiety in the past two weeks since this time with my Lord. Not to say I haven't been tempted, but because my Lord has given me SUCH a vivid understanding of this truth, my heart does not want to find itself wrapped up in anxiety anymore. 

I pray that the Lord gives you a clear picture of your sin and what He has done and is doing for you that you might be freed, healed, and restored. He does not treat us as our sins deserve. He gave His life to be able to embrace us. He gave His life that we might be free. 

Gospel seeing & living

"Thou my great Father, and I thy true son" 

So as many of you know, I am a nanny to three girls:  Taylor (11), Lilly (8), and Molli (3). 

Just about every Thursday, I drop the older two off at dance, and Molli and I go to Chick Fil A to pass the couple of hours until we pick them up again. I always pray for friends for her to play with. Yesterday, the Lord answered in ways different than I had expected. A friend came to play for a little then had to leave. Another friend came and left. So she and I got some quality time :) I love this little girl so much. I want her to know the Lord and His love for her, so I am dependent everyday to love her well, pursue her, serve her, discipline her, and enjoy her. 

I saw something so precious - a glimpse of the gospel - that encouraged me immensely to continue to press on in this Godly desire everyday with them (and my future kids). 

There was a family of five that came in and sat at the booth in front of me. The kids were incredibly patient, waiting for everyone to get their food without complaining. They prayed together and thanked Jesus for many things. Well, you know how Chick Fil A does that wonderful thing with kids where they can trade in their toy for ice cream? Each of the kids did that after they each got through eating. 

The little boy - he must have been about 7 or 8 - came back to his dad and with joy written on his face asked, "Dad, do you want the top of my ice cream??" 

The dad responded, "That is awfully nice of you, are you sure?"

The boy nodded in full assurance.

I was blown away. 

This little boy wanted his daddy to have "the best" part of his ice cream. He joyfully offered without any hesitation. I thought, "What a beautiful picture of the gospel." This little boy (and I'm going out on a limb here to help my explanation because I obviously do not know this family) loves his daddy so much that he wants to give away what most kids (and adults ha) would not even think twice about sharing. Because of the Fall, our nature wants to please self, not God or others. This little boy has no doubt seen the gospel modeled to him by his parents. When we get the gospel, we want to give our Daddy our best, but we see that our best is filthy rags before Him. But praise the Lord for His provision in Christ that we might have freedom to experience the incredible relationship we were made for. If we are in Christ - having placed all our faith in His life, death, & resurrection as our only Way to life eternal with God - we are delighted in unconditionally! This changes us. We want to please Him and sacrifice for Him and others and see joy written all over His face because His pleasure in us brings us the most joy. 

So let us press on, living out and proclaiming the gospel everyday in every opportunity. I want this little Molli, and Taylor and Lilly, to know this life-changing truth and freedom in the wonder of the gospel. 

"Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,

High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art."

What a Weir weekend

Looooook who came for a visit!!

What a treat it was to have the Weirs come see us! They spoiled us and provided more than we could have imagined. I seriously am so blessed to have not only wonderful parents myself but also incredible in-laws. I honestly feel close enough to think of them as more than in-laws. Ben was so looking forward to this weekend for a long time. It was precious to see Ben's friendship with his dad again. They have definitely missed each other. The weekend was filled with lots of great conversation, corny jokes, football, sleeping, adventures, informative knowledge on the quartering of a deer, coffee drinking, and loving on Buck. 

Friday night we went to Angus Barn - Raleigh's top rated steakhouse. Such a unique atmosphere and good food!  

Time with the Weirs is not complete without capturing this guy doing his normal thing...

Like father like son 

Saturday, we all watched Ben play flag football at the seminary (spouse's can play!) and then continued watching football well into the night. Mrs. Dottie said it felt like de ja vu watching Ben play sports on a Saturday morning again. 

One of the reasons the Weirs decided to come on this weekend was to attend Church at the Ballpark. The church Ben and I are joining soon is The Summit. The church meets in several different locations. We all listen to the same message from the same pastor, J.D. Greear (he's awesome!!!). This past Sunday, though, all of the campuses met in one place - the Durham Bulls stadium. 11,500 people attended and 530 people were baptized! It was incredible to witness. Such an outpouring of God's Spirit to draw His people to Himself.

After church, we had a little fun in Durham.

Trip to Duke Gardens

and to Locopops! Local place with homemade popsicles!

We finished the weekend with a trip to our favorite restaurant, Cowfish. They have incredible burgers and incredible sushi. The Brashers and the Hellams enjoyed it for the first time! 

We are missing the Weirs already!! Praising the Lord for their love for Him, for us, and for our friends.

a year worth celebrating

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine..." Eph 3:20

WE CELEBRATED A YEAR!!!

Wow. It has been a year since Ben and I made our covenant of marriage with God and each other. So hard to believe. A couple of weekends ago (August 24-25th), Ben surprised me on Saturday, first, with a day trip to Carolina Beach, NC. That night we went to a nice dinner and came home to a surprise set up (with a little help from our neighbor) of flowers, our wedding cake, and wedding video ready to be watched! What a sweetheart. 

The Lord has been so faithful to teach us, sanctify us, renew us, and provide for us. We have grown in more ways than we knew possible. All glory to Him. 

A couple of things I have learned this year...

1.  Prayer is necessary

Prayer is necessary in the things that are "easy" for me - like words of affirmation. If I am not praying for these things, I am tempted to find my identity in the way Ben responds, whether good or bad. I am tempted to depend on myself, and when I do this, because I am finite, have limited resources, and am sinful, I tend to become controlling, anxious, and hurt super easily. 

Prayer is necessary in the things that do not come naturally to me. Physically serving is an area in my life where I need an abundance of the Spirit. If I am not praying when I pick up Ben's clothes, wash the dishes, clean the house, etc., I have a tendency to grow bitter or expect a thank you or become entitled to be repaid by his service. 

It is only through reliance on and surrender to the Spirit that I am able to

-find freedom from finding my identity in Ben and the things I do

-serve him with joy

-live fully without being controlled by my emotions

2.  Nothing I say changes Ben

This may sound obvious, but in the moment of my pain or my desires, I can try and manipulate Ben with my words. 

-"You don't even care that you hurt me." My heart is really saying, "Please show your love for me and repent of what you did that hurt me." But this second "request," in lasting form can only come from the Lord's work in Ben's heart. The first statement is an attack, and let's be honest, how much harder is it to respond graciously to an attack?

-"Do you ever clean up after yourself?" My heart is really becoming bitter and saying, "Could you please just change so that I can have a break from serving you?" But all that this first question is going to bring about is defensiveness and hurt feelings so that if he does begin to clean up after himself, it will not be for God's glory but to keep me from complaining. 

These are just a couple of examples. The Lord has taught me so much about seeking Him first when I am frustrated or tempted to complain or hurt. Because it is only when I am full of the Spirit, speaking the truth in love that God is glorified, that true redemption can take place, and that our marriage begins to reflect the gospel. 

3.  The Lord is working in us to bring us to completion

When I can't figure out what is going on, when I can't seem to find rest in the way Ben or I am continuing to act, when I am tempted to burst out in tears, when I'm frustrated with the way things are going or even when things are going great, I must resolve to trust in the Lord's goodness and that He is at work. Everything He does in and through us is to make us more like Christ. Even when I cannot see His hand working, the Lord has challenged me more this year than ever to trust in Him and not in myself. 

I am SO thankful for the Lord's revelations to me. What a gracious God that He - the Creator - humbles Himself to reveal who He is to the creation. 

I was thinking a display of some of my favorite pictures from this year would be an appropriate way to celebrate a little! Here is a quick tour through the first year of our marriage: 

Ben's official graduation dinner

My first Christmas as a Weir!

He makes me laugh. A lot. 

Italy spring break trip with Cru 

I'm pretty obsessed with him.

Our second day in Raleigh watching the Rebs play!

Thank you to everyone who has loved us and prayed for us over this past year. We are praising the Lord for His faithfulness and knowing that He used many of you for His glory in our marriage.

What has the Lord taught you this past year? I so encourage you to reflect on these things and praise the Lord for His faithfulness with me!

Faithfulness in Friendships

"O LORD God Almighty, who is like you? You are mighty, O LORD, and your faithfulness surrounds you." Psalm 89:8

Time to meet some of our friends.

The Lord has been so gracious to us in answering our prayers for friends Specifically friends who would love us well, pursue us and challenge us, let us be ourselves, and laugh whole-heartedly with us.  

Next to us are Caleb and Lia Brasher and on the right are John and Jessica Hellams.

Caleb and Lia went to Mississippi State. We were told to get in touch with them by Jim and Angela Davis. We could not fit together more perfectly. Caleb and Ben enjoy the rivalry of their beloved schools. Their friendship is full of laughter and common interests - playing and watching sports, good food, good movies, and music. Caleb is getting his MDiv at seminary here and desire for the Lord to use him to plant a church. 

The first time I met Lia, friendship happened almost immediately. As she gave me a tour of her house, we found ourselves in one room for thirty minutes talking about deeper things. When we finally got back to where everyone was, Ben said, "Is there a mansion I don't know about back there?" Lia is wonderful; she is beautifully confident, welcoming, and loving. She makes others feel completely comfortable around her and has a great sense of humor. Fun fact:  she worked as Belle at Disney all of last year. 

John and Jessica got married the last weekend in July. They both went to Western Kentucky and will easily say "Hotty Toddy" because they have no affiliation with Ole Miss, which only serves to annoy Caleb and Lia. They are our next door neighbors! John was around for the first month we were here then went home to get ready to marry his beautiful bride. John makes us all laugh so much and finds joy in living life together. He and Ben are so much alike in some ways. They both have a quick wit, a love of chilling and a love of playing sports, cooking and good food. John is also getting his MDiv and shares the same desires as Caleb to plant a church. This past week has been so much fun getting to know Jessica and see the two in the beginning of their marriage. She is extremely decisive, organized, productive and easy-going at the same time. I'm looking forward to getting to know her more.

Heather and Alison were in my last post with the parents. They both have been in the Masters of Biblical Counseling program for the past two years! What a blessing. They have prepared me so much. I love these two girls. More on them when I have better pictures :)

So this past Sunday the three couples went to downtown Raleigh to the "Food Truck Rodeo." 

This was definitely one of the top ten happiest times for Ben. 

Love my Lia. 

The boys had to give a shout out to Dad. Read the fine print.

They say you become who you hang out with...

Not to mention they were all wearing chacos, as well.

"He who walks with the wise grows wise..." Proverbs 13:20

As if we hadn't had enough food, my friends, knowing me and my love for all things sweet - especially Krispy Kreme - took us to the coolest one I've ever been to for a little dessert!

So so thankful for the Lord's sweet provision. 

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:8

Weekend with the Parents!

"God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus." Phil. 1:8

The famous Duke Chapel

I can't even begin to tell you what a treat it was to have my parents come visit Ben and me! One of the most precious gifts in this world is parents that love you and support you whole-heartedly. I am beyond blessed to have such great relationships with my parents. Dad is wonderfully generous and delights in doing all things "Dad" - driving us everywhere, playing golf with his son-in-law, whooping everyone in the batting cages, and making sure everything is in order and that we have all we need and more. Mom is incredibly loving, intentional, and takes my laugh to a whole new level. She spoils our dog and loves spoiling us, as well.

We started the weekend off with a trip to Duke Gardens and Cameron Indoor (posted above). 

Friday night dinner was such a treat!


I have the best looking parents and husband in the world!

This is one of the only pictures I have with Mom! I'd say it's already my favorite. 

I bet you can't guess what we did the next night!

I'm telling you, we were so spoiled the whole weekend! 

Buck and I have pouted this whole week because our Mom and Mimi are not here anymore! This is how most days started and ended. Mom has a couple of love wounds from Buck.

And sadly, the weekend had to come to an end. After wonderful worship at The Summit church on Sunday morning, we enjoyed lunch with Caleb and Lia Brasher, some of our closest friends here. We spent the evening playing putt putt with some more of our friends, Alison and Heather, and watching the guys relive their glory days in the batting cages! Dad got a piece of every baseball! 

Look at that MS State guy just fitting right in. (That's Caleb btw)

This was such a fun way to end the best weekend so far in Wake Forest. I cried the next morning when my parents left. All the while, though, I was praising the Lord that His will still allows me to talk to them everyday and see them at least a couple of times a year. I am so blessed to have parents who want the Lord's will for my life more than their own or my own. What freedom we have in following Jesus. 

Gospel glimpses

Remember when we were kids, and we couldn't wait for recess? We were desperate for freedom. We wanted out of the classroom and on the swings. When we were swinging, delight was written all over our faces. We felt like we were flying. We wanted to go as high as we could. Nothing could touch us.

But before we could swing by ourselves, we always had someone to push us - a mom, a dad, a sibling, a friend..... a nanny. I have a feeling you know where this is going :)
 

Swinging is one of Molli's favorite things. She is not able to swing by herself yet, so we spend some quality time together just about everyday. She swings. I push. This is always accompanied by our singing of "Old McDonald Had a Farm." For 30-45 minutes, I get an arm and vocal workout while Molli simply enjoys the freedom of a child. Just when I think there are no more animals, I'm surprised to find, according to Molli, that Old McDonald has white horses and brown horses and red snakes and green snakes. Who knew? I pray for unconditional love in serving this sweet child. I pray to be there with her in the moment. I pray for the delight she clearly has to fill my heart with joy. But honestly, I get distracted. I get tired. I wonder what Noah must have felt like when he got the measurements of the ark - are there really that many animals?

But the Lord humbled me with this reminder - He never tires of loving us or serving us or being with us. He never takes deep breaths to remember to be patient - He is patience. He never gets distracted from us - He has set His affection on us. He never hopes we get bored from enjoying the life and gifts He's given us - mainly Himself. There is fullness of joy in His presence. (Psalm 16:11) He delights in us. (Zephaniah 3:17) This time with Molli has become a picture of the gospel for me. He did all the work for us - as I do when I am pushing Molli; we simply get to enjoy Him and the freedom He's given us. I pray He gives you glimpses of the gospel in areas where you grow passive or tired or frustrated. Would He continue to renew our minds.

 

I loved this day! Taylor and Molli chasing and catching butterflies!

In other news..... BEN GOT A JOB!!! We are praising the Lord for His faithfulness and provision and grace and goodness. Thank you so much for praying! My prayer now is that he would know the Lord more through this season, become more like Him, honor Him in his job, and depend on Him for all his needs - strength, focus, wisdom, perseverance, grace, and love. 

The prayer of Colossians 1:9-12 has been on my heart lately. I would love if you let the Lord teach you through it as He has taught me!

Joy in being found

 How cute are Ben & Landon (my nephew)? This was taken before we left for NC, but I thought it appropriate for the topic.


Hide and seek. A game as old as time it seems. A game I recently introduced to Molli, the 3 yr old I am nannying. Her favorite thing in the world is being tickled. At least a third of my day is spent running after Molli to tickle her. She loves it. She squeals in delight at the anticipation of my "getting" her. I decided to teach her the game of hide and seek to add a little variety from chasing after her.

"I'm going to count to ten. You hide, and I'll come find you," I said.
"Okay, I'll hide.... oh right there!"
"No, Molli, you can't tell me where you are going to hide. I have to find you."
"Oh okay."

So after counting very loud, I walk in and scan the room only to see that Molli is in plain sight. I act as if I don't see her and say, "I wonder where she could be?" She yells, "Here I am!" Haha I cannot help but laugh. She knows that when she is found, she will be tickled. She cares more about being found than hiding. And since she knows me and knows that I tickle her all day long, she has no fear of being found. She experiences overwhelming joy in being found.

Molli and I roller skating

As this went on for about an hour, the Spirit led me to think about the gospel. Before I knew the Lord, I was hiding. (I was actually dead, but I didn't know that.) I hid behind layers of insecurities. But unlike Molli, I was fearful of being found. I felt I was much better off hiding behind other people's approval, my own "good girl" appearance, and my performance. I thought I had a good grip on who God was, and in my mind He was just an addition to these things I already found my identity in.

Luckily, the Lord in His grace found me anyway. He found me despite all my efforts to find life apart from Him. He found me and raised me from the dead. He found me and brought me out into a spacious place because He delighted in me.

But He doesn't stop there. Throughout our time as believers on this earth, we still find ways to try and hide from Him. We hide behind our personality, our social skills, our good looks, our intelligence, our pride, our status. We hide behind our hurt, justification, or emotions. We hide behind substances or a facade of perfection. We hide when we are embarrassed or feel guilty or full of shame. We hide when we don't want to deal with what is really going on in our lives. We hide when we tell others that we are "fine" or "good" when our lives are anything but put together. We hide when we are living in sin. We hide when we never talk about ourselves. And we hide when we only talk about ourselves. We hide when we feel neglected, rejected, abandoned, alone, insignificant, or without purpose.

Unlike Molli, we live in fear of being found. But honestly that is our deepest longing:  to be found, exposed, seen, known, understood, and loved without reservation. I think the problem lies in not truly knowing or believing the truth about who God is. Yes, I know the Lord. But when I choose to hide behind shame or insignificance, I am not believing the truth that Jesus bore our sin and our shame for me, personally. When I choose to hide behind my personality or social skills in order to be liked by others, I am not believing the truth that the Lord unconditionally approves me because He sees His Son when He looks at me. When I choose to hide behind "good" or "fine," I am not believing the truth that the gospel glories in our weaknesses.

Molli believes the truth about who I am. She knows that I will tickle her every time I "find" her. Let us, in the power of the Spirit, believe in our hearts the truth about who God really is - finding this truth in His Word - that we may experience freedom, that we may no longer hide. Let us praise Him for His relentless pursuit of us. He came from His throne in heaven to find us. 

1O LORD, you have searched me and you know me...
7Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?                                         Psalm 139