an unnatural dreamer

I've never really been a dreamer.

You know those people. The ones who see one little thing and are suddenly envisioning ten years down the road when this or that could possibly be happening. The ones who get wild in their talking at the drop of a hat. The ones who can't resist wondering what if and what could be in the best way possible. The ones who can't fall asleep because they have an idea that that makes their hearts beat too fast to relax. The ones who see a need and think maybe, just maybe, they could be the ones to do something about it.

I have always been really simple. I'm from a small town in the Mississippi Delta where things are predictable and anything out of the ordinary poses reason for caution. Life seemed quite easy in my little sphere, and knowing what to expect everyday or every week created a nice structure of comfort and security.

[my adorable sister (on the right) & I in our back yard]

Others around me wanted more. But I never found myself in the same boat. I'm not a natural adventurist or risk-taker. I have said often that the only things I like that are complex are God and people. I liked the predictable and the mundane in that small town, and the highlights of my life were found in the simple movements of being with people and making the everyday, same ole same ole something to be cherished. I found myself most alive in really being with the people right in front of me and in really giving myself to the daily activities of life. Thus, I never spent too much time wandering far off in my imagination or prayers about where I could go and what could be.

All this to say, I'm not a natural dreamer.

But something new is happening in this season of life. I blogged when these new passions began. Five pieces of stationery. It’s all I could see then. But my mind raced with the idea of creating an etsy shop, and I knew I needed to be faithful to follow through, to simply start.

I wasn’t dreaming of a huge, thriving business. I was dreaming of cute sayings to put on cards that people might like. I didn’t think my stationery would move mountains for the Kingdom, but I had this stirring in my heart to create something I care about and just couldn’t shake it.

And now, as I’ve taken small steps of faith, slowly adding new products that I love, the Lord has grown this little handmade shop beyond what I could have imagined.

Because of the seemingly sudden growth, the Lord has captured my attention. He's up to something. Because in my wisdom, ability, or strength, this business would only be inches away from where it started. The Lord has blessed the work of my hands and grown this business to a place that has caused me to actually dream. Bigger dreams than this little heart of mine has ever dreamed before. It’s not natural, and it didn’t happen overnight.

This passion for the work of my hands is a result of the Lord calling me to be faithful every single day. That’s where it starts, and that’s where it endures.

Faithfulness.

This slow and intentional faithfulness to walk with Him in love and fullness and obedience has brought me greater joy and greater awareness of my deep need of Him. As I spent time in prayer about this coming year, about these new and scary dreams racing through my head, so desiring to be used as a servant in the Kingdom, the Lord led me here:

My soul waits for the Lord

more than watchmen wait for the morning, 

more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Psalm 130:6

[my dog Buck does this every single morning. waiting for his dog pal around the corner to go for a walk. I pray the Lord will use him to remind me often of this!]

This verse is my vision and reminder for this year.

I want to wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning. What fully does this mean? Let me be the first to say, I don’t know. How is this possible? It’s all that a watchman does! He waits for the morning to come. It’s his duty.

But here is what I do know. If all my hope is in Jesus, my heart is set on Him. Not just my eyes. I long for the day I see Him face to face!! And while I wait, I want my heart to be so fixed upon the Lord that I don’t miss joining in on His work. I want to be waiting upon my Master so readily that I am sensitive to His every move and directing. I want to be so willing to serve Him that these fears that cripple dreams become no match for the strength and trustworthiness of my Savior. And I want to be as faithful to the Lord in all that He asks of me, as faithful as watchmen are to wait for the morning.

[frame & print made by my sweet friend Stacy as a surprise for me!! she's the wood mastermind of the shop!]

He has laid some pretty exciting projects on my heart, and I cannot wait to share the journey and prayerfully the finished products with you! Now I find that I am the one getting wild in my talking at the drop of a hat (evidenced by my best friend making the frame & print above), not falling asleep because my heart is beating too fast, and prayerfully envisioning meeting a need to advance the Kingdom.

So for those of you, like me, who aren’t natural dreamers, I must ask, 

Is the Lord calling you to do/start/finish/share something? 
Small or big?

Are you willing to be faithful?

Remember, faithfulness to the Lord everyday is what He desires: 

"Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found faithful." 1 Corinthians 4:2

Here's a helpful breakdown in the application of that question –

Are you asking, pleading with God to use you for His work and purposes?

Are you listening? Feeding on His Word and growing in sensitivity to His Spirit?

Are you responding? Moving forward in small steps or leaps of faith and obedience?

Ask. Listen. Respond.

Let me encourage you to consider which of these is hardest for you and to plead with the Lord in prayer to grow you in this area. He is incredibly gracious to allow us the joy of entering into His plans and His work. Let us not miss out on life as it is meant to be lived!

in plenty & in want

This season has been full. Full of incredibly good things. But full, nonetheless.

Around this time last year (really into January and February), life wasn't as full. I was taking fewer classes, nannying less, and spending less time with the little amount of friends we did have. I was not counseling yet, and Words Worth Noting had only just begun. After a couple of days snowed in, I found myself in a low place.

That low place was scary to me. I was struggling in my time with the Lord and didn't really realize it, but this greatly affected everything else. I was not actively ministering to anyone. I found myself thinking mostly about myself which bred worry, despair, and helplessness. And all the days that were dark and snowy outside only made me turn inward even more.

But then spring came. Ben and I started exercising regularly (something so necessary in my stewardship of my physical, emotional, spiritual, relational, and mental life), we found a church home, the Lord blessed us with friends, I started counseling, and the shop began to pick up. I began finding delightful freedom in my relationship with the Lord, and He taught me MUCH about Psalm 23 during that season.

Fast forward to this season. I shared a little about the craziness recently, so I don't want to overload you with the details again. But here’s a glimpse – 78 hand-written journals in 4 weeks. That could literally be enough said, but add that to papers, finals, friends, nannying, and being a wife, and one might just find herself on the brink of a breakdown, or at least exhaustion.

I found myself pondering the differences between this season and the one mentioned first. One so full, one so lacking. One in plenty and one in want.

Here's what I know to be true of both - my faith was and is being tested.

The Lord promises that testing will come. Testing allows for faith to be proved genuine. Without it, we might go about our lives innocently thinking we believe the Truth when in reality – the stuff that we give our lives to, our desires and hopes lay elsewhere. In my time with the Lord recently, I was studying Luke 8:4-15 - the parable of the sower and Jesus' explanation of its meaning. Twice, Jesus mentions that testing and the need for perseverance will come. So I came out of theological land (which I love) and came back down to earth (quite literally), trying to understand this explanation in light of the example itself – seed planting & growing.

When you think about a seed, what does it need to take root, to grow? Because I’m no farmer (though my Grandaddy was) or gardener (I live in seminary housing/don't love getting dirty ha!), and it’s been a while since middle school science, I did a quick google search. In order for a seed to grow, it needs:  water, good temperature (warmth), and good soil. 

(pictures found on google images/I wish I could take pictures like these!)

Jesus says our hearts and receptiveness to the good news are the soils. Does His truth get planted down deep in us? Deeper than the initial joy of salvation as we nurture that seed through knowing God through His Word? Is His truth protected by prayer and belief from the worries, pleasures, and riches of this world that threaten to choke it out? Are we producing fruit from the heart? How will we know unless testing comes?

Here’s where the warmth and water come in. Both are necessary for growth. Sometimes, the sun is shining and the rain comes and goes, and the environment is juuuust right for that little seed to sprout and bear fruit. Sometimes, the heat and rain are few and far between, and that seed holds on for dear life. But sometimes, the heat and the rain beat down, and it might seem like more than the little plant can handle. Here's the thing - we aren’t in control of circumstances – God is. 

Water and heat are both necessary for growth, whether in abundance or in absence. Jesus likens this to trials. Trials are opportunities for growth and for faith to be proved genuine. Most of us think of trials on the low end of the spectrum - losing everything. But what if blessings and "immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine" also try our faith? What if the abundance of heat and rain are meant to expose the roots, as well? When despairingly hard times or overwhelmingly good times come, what’s in our hearts, rooted deep down – whether good or bad – finds its way to the top. 

Our responses prove the depth and nurture of that seed – whether we are taking in God’s Word and letting ourselves be molded and changed by it, savoring the goodness of the Lord, delighting in His presence, working through sin and brokenness, communing with and depending on Him, or whether we are trusting in our own wisdom, seeking our own glory, overlooking and justifying our sin and ways, growing consumed with worldly concerns, depending on ourselves and our abilities. What's going on deep in the heart bears fruit accordingly. 

So it's our hearts and our beliefs, not our circumstances that get the blame (or the joy for that matter) for our responses – those circumstances are just the water and the warmth making a way for growth. 

So testing and the need for perseverance will come. Water and heat will come, in varying measures. The question the Lord prompted me to consider –

In plenty and in want, how will you respond?

Here’s a summary of my responses in this season:

Moments of immense gratitude

Moments of despair

Moments of wonder & awe

Moments of weakness & neediness

Moments of delight

Moments of helplessness

Moments of anxiety & craziness 

Moments of yearning for more

Moments of deep humility

This season has been full. Full of worship and full of hard growth. Growth isn’t always pretty and clean. The Gardener faithfully pruned and is still pruning this heart of mine through extremely different circumstances and seasons and through His Word that I might bear fruit that lasts and that pleases Him - and that happens at the root. 

[Much of this is adapted from Tripp and Lane's How People Change.]