the work of my hands

I have been praying about something. Something moving wildly in my heart and mind for quite some time now. Asking the Lord for grace to put words to these movements. Maybe if I can put words to them, God will be glorified even more, I will be delighted and more solidified in my thinking, and the people around me won't think I'm so crazy.

Passion.

This wild and crazy passion has been awakened in my heart to do something meaningful, to make something beautiful, to point to the wonder of our great and glorious God. I wrote about the beginning of these passions here. They have only grown in measure and might.

I find myself thinking and dreaming and praying and longing so often over the work of my hands. I talk about it ALL. the. time. The words flow from a passionate place of love and excitement that what I'm making matters and impacts the Kingdom in such a unique way.

This passion - I felt it so fully when I put up the Christmas wood collection on the shop - creating some of my most favorite things from a few materials, laboring like crazy for days in a row, capturing them in a way that declares their beauty and meaning, and sharing them with my people.

(thanks to my nanny girls & wonderful husband for the modeling)

I saw it so evidently Thursday when Ben prepared the Thanksgiving meal. He is an incredible chef. He created some of the tastiest things I've ever put in my mouth, worked his hiney off for hours, set up the table just perfectly so that we might capture and share the beauty of the work of his hands (before we gobbled it up!).

I see a glimpse of it when my niece and nephew and nanny girls draw a picture for me and come running to me with it wailing in their hands - "Lala, (or Mrs. Lauren), look what I made you!!!" All the while they beam with confidence and delight that what they made matters, and they have found an expression of love that brings joy to the one receiving and to the givers themselves.

So here's what I've been talking to the Lord about - There is something about doing what you were made to do. We long to do what the Lord has gifted us in. We feel alive and full and purposeful. We want what we make to be pleasing and enjoyable - to the eye and to the heart (in my case or any other artist realm). We want it to go beyond fulfilling the purpose it is serving. We want it to go deeper than simply what you can see and touch. We want it to be meaningful.

And we have a burning desire to capture the moment when it is all ready and finished, and the work is complete. We want to capture that feeling. Because that is the feeling of life as it were meant to be.

And we yearn to share it because to keep it to ourselves is impossible. When you have worked so hard and passionately over the work of your hands that you love so much, you cannot keep it in. It explodes from within in joy!

But here is one tricky part. We are sinful, broken human beings. And for me, I can get all twisted up in whose glory I'm working for. If I'm sharing via instagram/fb/blogging for my own glory or for approval from others, then I see myself caring more about what others think about the work of my hands. But when I am dreaming, then creating, then finishing, then sharing - in the power and fullness of the Spirit, for God's glory - things are different. God truly is glorified. His work and creativity are on display.

And I am free and full. Free from the sting of any sort of criticism or rejection. I get to receive things things with grace and consider what would sharpen my skills and bring greater glory to the Father. Free from comparison because I enjoy the beauty of being created uniquely for the purpose of bringing Him glory in accordance with the gifts He's given me. Free in the sense that I feel ALIVE. That freedom points to the One Who bought it for me with His own blood. That freedom points to my identity being found in Christ and not in the work of my hands.

Full of joy and overwhelming delight that I have just gotten the opportunity to reflect the Creator Himself and to enjoy that finished work before giving it away. Full of a sense of purpose and meaning that uniquely bears witness to the beautiful Kingdom. That fullness points to the One Who told me that He came that I may have LIFE and have it to the full. That fullness testifies to the fact that we were made for more, that brokenness really can be beautiful when redeemed by our Savior Who lived perfectly that we might be fully approved. It testifies to the gospel itself. That breathtakingly beautiful gospel.

I don't know if anyone feels like me ever, but if you do, I'd love to have a conversation - receiving any and all wisdom or dreaming about each other's passions. (I'm hoping Lara Casey's book will be an avenue of shepherding in my life!) I am definitely still figuring things out (it's been less than a year - I am so a baby!) and working through sin that comes from me with regards to working with these hands (see my battle with perfectionism here and falling short of my expectations here). As with all work there is definitely toil because of the Fall (i.e. packaging, pencil erasing, etc. haha). But I am working, knowing that the true and most important work was finished on the Cross. I am working to point to that work - and that is the ONLY reason my work matters.

Making things beautiful

I am absolutely blown away over the little (and big!) creations I've gotten to make and do since beginning this etsy shop. This three foot long wood sign is quite possibly the most wonderful sign I've had the privilege of creating. 

But let me tell you, this was hard work. And all I did was the writing! There is something about creating things... When Stacy (my wood gal) handed me this huge beauty, I was dreaming big and bright about how wonderful it was going to turn out. I couldn't wait to get my hands on it. I prepared the layout, got the format on there as best as possible, and went for it. 

Once the paint was on, there was no turning back. So I followed my layout, and as I continued on, I grew a little less than satisfied. Imagine the lettering without the arrow. A big gaping space stood between the bottom and top. It looked less than perfect. I prayed against feeling defeated and let down and wishing I could start all over again.

Ever felt like this?

That's one of the things I've learned about this little adventure of attempting to really, faithfully, in good stewardship, use and share the gifts God has given for His glory. Often I miss the latter part. 

On the other hand, because I want to pursue excellence in these areas, I sometimes find myself disappointed. I need lots and lots of grace. Here's the reality - I am not a machine. I don't always get things juuuust right. I am not perfect. So things that I make are not perfect. 

But they can be beautiful. 

You know what's really beautiful? When a man has just received news that he has cancer and sings passionately in incredible belief that God is good. When someone sees death right before her eyes and in tears proclaims her anchored hope in eternal realities. When a child quickly and freely says "I forgive you" after a mother repents for yelling in anger. When a woman grieves but not like those who have no hope after a miscarriage. When a father delights with abandon over the joy of his children.

The gospel is beautiful. 

These are only a small portion of pictures of the gospel I have seen. They and their faces grip me. But what they do more than that is lead me to wonder over and worship of my great God. He takes the broken, far from perfect things, and makes them beautiful. He redeems. 

This wood sign was redeemed with the addition of the arrow. 

It's not perfect, and I am beginning to like that. Let us look for His redemption in the big and the small of our lives. When we do, we become enamored with Jesus and as a by-product, beautifully display the gospel. 

The Battle of Listening

Sometimes, we're a lot better at doing than listening.

In my case, by sometimes, I mean virtually all the time.

Listening is a skill. It takes time, effort, and practice.

In one of my counseling classes yesterday, we talked about listening and the immense value and care we can give someone by simply listening to her/him. We talked about the breakdown in time - in a 60 minute session, we should allow the counselee to talk for virtually 45-50 minutes. Then we might offer some encouragement, truth, and hope.

My thoughts went here - "But isn't that person coming to me for help? Doesn't she want hope and direction? Is that really enough time to shed light on the situation? Wait a second…this is what I do with God SO often!"

I don't know if you can relate, but I have often found myself giving God a mini catch-up session of the day before, thanking Him for all the different good things in my life, praying through the hard things, reciting promises, reading the Word, and moving on. Using up all our time together with my own talking and doing. But within the last couple of months, the Lord has challenged my task-oriented approach to spending time with Him. Take Me out of that box, He tells me.

Starting in March, my prayer (rather inconsistently, I might add) for myself as a counselor has been this:

"The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught. The Sovereign LORD has opened my ears, and I have not been rebellious; I have not drawn back." Isaiah 50:4-5

How can I presume to be a good counselor or friend if I have not listened and learned from the Lord? There are lots of reasons why we fail to listen - we want to talk, or we are too busy, too consumed with other things, struggling with passivity, with fear, with pride, with apathy, with insecurities, with simply not knowing how. I have certainly fit into every single one of these categories. And I'm sure there are more. But I want to encourage you, whatever it is that is keeping you from listening to the Lord, the One who made you, the One who knows you better than you know yourself, the One who wrote His Word so that you might find life's sweetest joy in knowing Him, I plead with you - whatever it is - confess it and repent from it. Ask the Lord for grace and help in this area. You will not be put to shame.

[listening & the Word go hand in hand - God will not reveal something or guide you somewhere or promise you something contrary to His Word - being immersed in His Word is 100% essential if we are to listen well]

I have learned SO much by simply listening. It's not easy, and I confess, I don't do this all the time. But I am so refreshed, so delighted, so hope-filled, and so secure when I do intentionally take the time to stop all my jabbering/busying/doing to just be with and enjoy the Lord and listen to Him. In this listening time (sometimes set and intentional, other times just being sensitive to the Spirit's leading - this is something I pray for), the Lord usually brings Scripture to mind to convict or encourage, reveals areas of sin in my life, loves on me anew, or simply makes me ponder Him.

That last part is my favorite. In this season, I have said, "You are God" more than ever. Because He has called me to wonder over Him and who He is, when I proclaim this truth, SO much is being said. It's a statement of surrender. He is God; I am not. It's a statement of trust. He is God - He is in control; I am not. He is sovereign and faithful. It's a statement of hope. He is God - therefore, He is fully capable of saving and renewing and freeing and redeeming. It's a statement of freedom for me. It's acknowledging the reality of my situation and of this world. It's a statement causing humility in my heart. It's a cry of worship. When I can't find the words to say to express my awe of Him, the Spirit settles my heart and gives me these words: You are God.

The three biggest insights/commands the Lord has given me recently are these:
1. Commune with Me
2. Do not move on from Me
3. Lift up

Last night, as I was making some journals for the shop, looking up verses, "doing" if you will, the Lord made me to listen. Because "lift up" has been something on my heart lately (sooo much I'd love to share on this - another time), the Lord led me to look up Psalm 121. I had a choice, I could keep on going with my journals and other crafts, or I could stop and listen. Praise the Lord, He led me to obedience! I rejoice, because trust me, it truly is a battle for me to stop and be obedient when something seems "more important."

Learning the sweet joy and utmost importance of listening.

Here is a glimpse of that time:

I will. By Faith. Lift up my eyes - from my circumstances. 
My help does not come from me.
I will quickly weary with anxiety & exhaustion if my help depends on my strength.
I am finite. 
I am weak.
I am an earthen vessel.
I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
My help cometh from the LORD - 
THE MAKER OF HEAVEN & EARTH.
That should be enough said.
But you, my Maker, promise more.
You. PROMISE. More. 
My feet stand upon the solid Rock. You carry me.
You never grow weak or weary.
You never tire of being God.
You never change. You are faithful.
You are my Keeper. 

perfectionism vs. grace

Confession: I struggle with perfectionism.

I painted a canvas a couple of months ago and blogged about it here. The Lord had used the verse to teach me sweetly in that season. I put the canvas on my shop and on Pinterest. Lo and behold, the Pinterest world is loving that canvas. I squealed the first time I checked to see 800+ pins! So I decided to put the canvas back up for sale with the disclaimer "**The item pictured has already been sold, but yours will look incredibly similar!"

A couple of days ago, someone bought one! I was thrilled! But as I drew nearer to sitting down to paint it, as silly as it is, I felt fear creeping in. What if I couldn't do it again? What if I couldn't paint it as similarly as I thought or promised? What if it doesn't look close enough to the first and the buyer is displeased? What if it's not perfect? 

These are only the beginning of the fears I fought. As I sought the Lord's grace and strength, I put on some worship music and sat down to paint. Little steps of faith to be celebrated. The Lord encouraged me, and I grew confident. After a little while, the canvas was painted, and I actually liked it.

But then, I had to do the verse. Oh dear. Getting the dimensions just right proved to be a struggle, and fears came back. How did I even do this before? How many inches down did I start? What if the buyer notices a big difference? As I sat there, wrestling with these fears, I had the stinging, yet sweet reminder that my giving into these fears, my crippling worry, my frustration at myself, was an offense to a holy God.

The Spirit stopped me with this:

Whose glory are you wanting on display?

Can you say H U M B L I N G.

Here I am, painting the very words of life, and I want the glory! I want to be praised more than I want God to be praised and worshiped.

By God's grace, I was able to see that I was choosing to trust in myself over my Lord. Choosing to care more about what my buyer thinks than what my Lord thinks. Choosing to worry instead of pray. Choosing to run to and worship the idol of perfectionism rather than lay down my pride and independence and confess my finiteness and find mercy and grace in my time of need.

All sin is first and foremost against God. When we let sin rule our thoughts, our motivations, our actions, God cares. He sent His Son so that we would be free of that rule and reign of sin. No action is neutral before God. We were made to live before Him, and we are either moving toward Him in worship and holiness or away from Him in idol worship and rebellion. This is a staggering thought. Even giving into my fears filling my mind while I'm alone painting a canvas are exposed to the One who searches hearts and minds. Praise the Lord for the Holy Spirit who sweetly convicted me and showed me the seriousness of my sin.

So there is one of the HUGE differences between pursuing perfectionism and pursuing excellence as the Scriptures command us. Do you want God's glory to be displayed or your own? The Lord gives a humbling contrast of man's glory with His own in Isaiah 40:6-8 that reminds me of the futility of seeking my glory over His - or more accurately, stealing His glory - because He alone is worthy of glory, honor, and praise. This is serious. And it's only as we see this seriousness of our sin that we can truly experience the grace of God. What a wonder the cross is when we truly get a glimpse at our hearts. That's what those who struggle with perfectionism have such a hard time getting their minds around - the seriousness of our sin, the perfect work of Jesus, and the grace of God - we want to be the ones who get all the glory. We want to be independent and capable and perfect apart from God's work. But y'all, I know this all too well. It. Is. Exhausting. And breeds so much more sin - like anxiety, frustration, anger, judgment, criticism, and even despair or hopelessness. I beg you, run with me to the Lord, asking for humility, forgiveness, newness, and dependence. The life God has given us is far better than the one we think we can run ourselves - He created us! Let's receive grace. Really, truly, receive grace. Freedom is better.


[To learn about grace, I recommend reading the book of John, asking the Lord to give you eyes to see Jesus through this lens "For from His fullness, we have all received grace upon grace." John 1:16. I also recommend Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman & A Praying Life by Paul Miller]

His kindness led me to repentance, and His grace gave me full assurance of His love for me. I am so grateful for His making me aware and for His sweet sanctification even in the quiet. I'm also beginning to be grateful for the beauty in being unique and not a machine!

So let's see if you can tell the difference :) 

Lessons on Love

So now that this semester is over, I am feeling so spoiled because I get to sit with my Father and dwell in His Word for a sweet, long time. The Spirit has been teaching me so much, and I can't help but share one of the things He's revealed to me!

I have been dwelling in, meditating on, and wondering over John 14. Even as I type the reference, there is so much I want to share! Maybe I will give a little glimpse so the Spirit may spark interest for deeper reflection.

In the first verse, Jesus says, "Do not let your hearts be troubled." He uses this same command in v. 27. What is in between these two that give insight into how to keep this command? Our Lord never separates His commands from His character or gospel truth.

Another thought - if Jesus says "And I will do whatever you ask in my Name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my Name, and I will do it," in v. 13-14, why are we not asking???

But here is what I would love to camp out on - the lesson in v. 28.

"You heard me say, 'I am going away and I am coming back to you.' If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I." 

After reading through this a couple of times, I began to wonder about it. John 14 is right in the midst of what is called the "Upper Room Discourse." John's Gospel records the lengthiest section on Jesus' last night with His disciples. Jesus is sharing with them what is about to happen to Him and how they should live for Him, by the power of the coming Spirit, even after He is gone.

So there is absolutely no doubt that the disciples are distraught that the Man they have followed for 3 years is about to die. How could they not be? But Jesus says, "If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father…" I can just hear the disciples say, "IF we loved you??? Are you kidding? That's why we are so distraught! We don't want you to leave, nor do we understand why you have to. We are grief-stricken because of our love for you!"

But Jesus' words are true. He cannot lie. So as hard as it is to understand it, if they did love Him, they would be glad for Him. This. Rocks. Me. How many times do I think I am loving, but I am really being selfish or fearful - both of which I'm sure the disciples were feeling.

But Jesus, the source of all truth and grace gives them both to lovingly get them to take their eyes off of themselves that they might find truth, life, freedom, and comfort. He lovingly gives them His perspective. 

I think these things are key in being able to love fully. 1 John 4:18 declares that "Perfect love casts out fear." I shared recently on my instagram that the Lord has graciously opened my eyes to the "pretty" fears that motivate me to action - an action which I call love. I'm sure most of you can relate. When my husband is down about something, my first instinct has been to uplift him with the truth. "God has perfect timing! He is teaching you something right now. Wait upon Him!" These things are great truths, and mostly when I share them with others, they come from a pure heart. But the Lord revealed to me that when I share them with him, they are intertwined with fear - fear that if I don't encourage him or remind him, he will forget; fear that he will grow down in spirit and forget about loving me; fear that he will stop running to the Lord for comfort and truth; the list goes on. The Lord revealed how I was playing Holy Spirit in his life and choosing not to trust Him and His work. As He revealed this, a huge burden was lifted, and I deeply repented of trying to be God. What a humbling, humbling thing.

As you can see, selfishness is intermingled with all my fears. That's why I love what Jesus does here. He takes their thoughts away from themselves and casts them on Him. His perspective is what is needed. When I saw that I was trying to do things that only God can do, I saw how futile they were apart from His power and prompting. When I saw that our Father loves and wants these things for my husband WAY more than I do, I felt freedom to love. (And that love may be sometimes saying the same things! But with a pure heart.) When I know that the same Spirit at work in me is at work in Him, I wonder in amazement and let go of those fears holding me captive. When my cares are cast upon my Lord, I know that He listens to me, works according to His good purpose, and gives me freedom to pray according to that purpose and love the way He loves. When I can see from His perspective, I find truth, life, freedom, and comfort.

When I see from His perspective, I can actually love. 

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and His incomparably great power for us who believe." Ephesians 1:18-19a

"Peace, Be Still: Psalm 131"

The following is a prayer in response to reading chapter in David Powlison's book, Seeing with New Eyes. 

A little background may be necessary. For the past several months, I have been finding my quiet times with the Lord difficult. I have compared them to the past several years, and to be honest, I find the present ones just don't measure up to the breadth of discovery and intimacy I once feel I experienced when I encountered the Lord in His Word. But the Lord is making all things new, always teaching us, always stripping us of ourselves and our pride. 

Praying the Lord uses this glimpse into my heart to lead you to peace learned in relationship with Jesus. 

Psalm 131

My heart is not proud, O LORD,

my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

or things too wonderful for me.

But I have stilled and quieted my soul; 

like a weaned child with its mother,

like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD 

both now and forevermore. 

Abba,

            My heart is overwhelmed at the way you have impacted it with this chapter. At first glance, Psalm 131 seems to describe a prideful person who has accomplished a peaceful state of mind and has achieved contentment, a person by whom I am immediately turned off and of whom I am still jealous at the same time. But at a deeper perusal of the Psalm, my own proud self-will is brought to the light. The anti-psalm highlights my proud heart, my haughty eyes – looking down on the psalmist, and my selfish desire to chase after things too great and too difficult for me. Help, Spirit. These things produce anxiety, selfishness, despair, restlessness, and more pride. I repent of my desire to do things on my own. I repent of my constant struggle with trusting You. Even when I am faithless, You are faithful. I repent of my desire and actions to attempt to control my life. I repent of perfectionism for the sake of others’ approval. I am Yours. Forgive me. Restore me. Remind me that my heart’s deepest desires are only met and satisfied in You.

            Wean me from these fleshly desires. Quiet my soul. I know this process is controlled by You. You know how I am tempted – to purify my heart by acting as if the law can be achieved. Punish myself, be disappointed in myself, assert my pride as the capable champion of this process. Protect me from myself. Show me Jesus. Satisfy my heart with Your love for me. Wreck me with Your promises that will transform my heart. Teach me to live by faith. Spirit, lead me away from independence and unbelief and lead me in the way everlasting, a lifestyle of conviction, repentance, and obedience by faith.

            “From God’s side, we escape ourselves by being loved by Jesus Christ through the powerful presence of the Holy Spirit. From our side, we escape ourselves by learning a lifestyle of intelligent repentance, genuine faith, and specific obedience.” (Powlison 81-2). Help me believe that it is really this simple.

            Praise Your Name for using the portrayal of a child not yet weaned from his mother vs. the same child after he is successfully weaned to provoke sincere emotion in me. The first - fretting for immediate satisfaction from his mother's milk, squirming anxiously, letting emotions take over. The second - changed, sitting still, quiet and at peace. Oh that my soul would be as a small child sitting on my lap! One content with all her needs met, resting in the Presence of the One who has rescued her because He delighted in her. One who has no fear of man because only the fear of the Lord leads to life. One who has no fear of failure because He has already won. One who knows the fullness of love and joy because He helps her to abide in His life-giving, life-sacrificing, life-producing Presence. One who finds rest because her hope is in You.

            Abba, forgive me for chasing after the achievement of an idealized devotional life. We have talked many times about this issue. I worry because our time together is not as it used to be, full of revelation from Your side and delight and wonder from mine. You never change, so it must be me, I conclude. Praise Your Name for using this chapter to show me I have been chasing after impossibilities, matters too great and too wonderful – perfection. You have simply called me to relationship. Forgive me for asserting my idealized perfection onto our relationship. Free me from my desire for routine in our time together. This directly fights against your call to dependence. Humble me continually that I might worship and be set free from my own analysis and standards of good.

            “But I have stilled and quieted my soul” (v. 2). Thank you for your sweet revelation that this is only learned in relationship with Jesus. This is not “unruffled detachment or stoic indifference. It’s not about having an easygoing personality or low expectations. It’s not retreat from the troubles of life or retirement to a life of ease. It’s not the quieting of inner noise that a glass of wine produces… Psalm 131’s inner quiet comes in the midst of actions, relationships, and problems.” (Powlison 77) This quietness of soul is chosen. It is only by Your grace, Abba, that I will come to this place. Thank You for giving me Yourself and for relentlessly pursuing me until my heart sings, 

“Be at rest, once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.” Psalm 116:7

            

new passions awakened

Meanwhile while I haven't been blogging...


This season of life has been so wonderful, so interesting, so enlightening.

For most of my life, I have only been passionate about a handful of things:  the Lord, people, learning, and sports. But for the past several months (or years if I honestly evaluate), I have become increasingly passionate about new things - photography, blogging, crafting, calligraphy and stationery.

I find myself getting so excited about these things to the point where it confuses me. Sometimes, I get nervous about the amount of joy/excitement I find in these new areas. But as I have sought the Lord and wisdom from others, I have become confident that He is so graciously awakening new passions in me that I might become more of who I am in Christ in His perfect timing. He is teaching me to worship in new ways - in beauty, in quiet, in contentment, in pursuing new gifts, in discerning the voice of the Spirit, in meditating on Scripture as I develop different skills, in delighting in the work of my hands. Every single thing we do is an act of worship - whether directed to the Lord or not - and I am humbled that He is opening my eyes to how great He truly is and how free He desires us to be in relationship with Him.


Right now I am learning much about these things...

"Let them also that love Thy name be joyful in Thee." Psalm 5:11

"O worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness." Psalm 96:9

"All Thy works shall praise Thee, O Thee; and Thy saints shall bless Thee." Psalm 145:10

The Lord manifests Himself similarly and differently in all of us. Each of us are to carry out the "one another's" of Scripture [love one another, teach & admonish one another with all wisdom, singing hymns, songs, & spiritual songs, honor one another above yourselves, etc.). But He also so wonderfully manifests Himself uniquely in each of His own. That's why the body is so important! We can learn so much from one another because we each have a slightly (or very) different relationship with the Lord. And this relationship is constant and growing. As I learn new things about Him, He sets me free in some way to love Him more deeply, giving me Life.

So in light of all of this I have started an Etsy shop called "WordsWorthNoting" It has been the product of all of the new things I have been loving and pursuing in this season of life. Right now it features my original handwritten & designed stationery.

I'd love for you to check it out here - WordsWorthNoting

Here are a few :)

Praying the Lord awakens your heart to new ways to worship Him.